lowquality.net » Musician / Geek

This is an incomplete blog that I have found difficult to finish.

I have spent such a long time constructing my life and my outlook on life around this belief that I was missing some essential ingredient to my childhood that would have made things “all better.” Somehow my parents divorce is burrowed at the center of this belief. I think I have believed this for so long that I was not even consciously aware of it until relatively recently in my life.

Surely, there are some skills that I lack that it seems my friends do not. I do not know how to enact changes in my life, I do not know how to organize my life, I do not know how to improve my outlook on life and I do not know how to take care of myself in many situations. I have had a chip on my shoulder for so long, that I don’t even know what it would be like to be rid of it.

When finally confronted with the voice of my father, instead of focusing all of this angst at a person– angst which has molded and shaped my personality to the point that I cannot imagine myself without it– I felt like I was talking to a coworker or a friendly acquaintance. I felt pity for him, not only for his recent loss, but for the general vibe of depression that seems to surround him. I never expected to feel sorry for him. While I didn’t expect that he would suddenly become a brain surgeon, I didn’t think he’d be in such bad shape– I didn’t think about him at all. Not as a person. Not as someone still living and breathing. To say I hadn’t any contact with my dad for 22 years is like saying I never saw Dracula in 22 years. He was an idea, an image, and, right or wrong, the concentrated projection of all of the mistakes I’ve made in my life.

I’ve grown up as a result of these feelings. My personality, my sense of humor, and my tendency towards introversion, which has led me to pursue both musicianship, writing, and a career in the IT field, are all results of this early experience. I used to think of all of these things as very complicated defense mechanisms: ways to avoid confrontation, closeness, and any kind of connectedness to other kids my own age. I see things a little differently now.

I thought my life was a mess because of the scars resulting from my parents divorce and my father’s lack of involvement. Now I know its not true. I feel horrible admitting that my life has really been better off this way. I guess I see things differently because, now, I have had some experience with addicts and I understand the nature of addiction. Still, I guess my perspective on my father’s alcoholism is still frozen in time as a 6 year old. I still don’t understand why he didn’t get his act together, before or after the divorce.

My mother would not have survived in that lifestyle, I would not have the friends that I have. I might have become involved in music, but there is no way I could have attended Berklee. Things are what they are. I can’t change them. I can’t change the decisions my dad made, or didn’t make or should have made.

I am not six years old anymore.