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A co-worker took this photo in Town Point Park, at Harborfest, almost a month ago. I think the subject is a breathtaking example of what this city really is all about. Actually, I would go as far as to say that this photo deserves to be a part of a city wide campaign entitled:

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA — It’s like a fat girl in tight drawers.

Imagine the possibilities. A campaign with this photo as its centerpiece is the Desert Eagle Enema of “Get over yourself” that all seven cities need to step forward in the right direction– but none more than Norfolk. No matter how cool, industrious, or rich we think this area is becoming, THIS is what we’re doing it all for. Tattoos weren’t legalized in Norfolk for the Riddicks or the Fraims, or the Boones (ok, maybe the Boones)– they were legalized so this broad could carry her ass down to Fuzion Ink and get a rose vine tattooed on her foot with a script that reads “Babydoll.”

Hampton Roads is rednecks who want to drink beer, throw up, fish, drink beer, throw up, go off-roading down in Nag’s Head, drive back up, drink, throw up, go to work, watch Nascar and do it all over again next week. Sometimes they don’t go to work and they go to Haborfest and drink beer while wearing the smallest pants possible (with a little bit of undies showing). I say that we embrace this element, and that we own up to our city’s sad, homely reality by swapping out all of those stupid mermaid statues with concrete-cast statuettes of the Ocean View trailer trash that Norfolk tries so desperately to ignore and force from their collective consciousness.

Imagine art students at Maury High School gathered around a monolith that looks not unlike this woman, gluing shards of broken MD 40/40 bottles on her legs to add texture and depth to the tight jeans of their community art project, mixing their paint with margarita mix to get just the right shade of pink for her too-small-but-still-big panties, meticulously applying hot glue to simulate the beading sweat on the back and forehead of their unique and lovely Maury Whalebeast.

*SIGH*

I read that, in addition to Relative Theory, Lambda Rising is also closing its doors. Lambda Rising is (was) a Gay-oriented bookstore that has existed in some form or another for at least ten years. When I was in high school I’d walk past it’s original location on Granby Street in Ocean View and even then I wondered how long it would be around, its last location was in Ghent next to Baker’s Crust. Much like Relative Theory Records, I am surprised that they have lasted this long. Because of our nation’s staunch “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, much of Hampton Roads’ gay community is completely closeted in order to keep their day job (The United States Navy). The close proximity to Regent University probably doesn’t help either. Honestly, I wouldn’t know that any gay people even lived in Norfolk if I didn’t peruse craigslist personal ads for my own sick amusement (Missed Connections– so awesome). It’s a shame to see places like this leave the community, but I am not surprised.

My thoughts on Relative’s closing? No one has really asked for them, but I seem to be already standing on my soapbox, so here goes: It might seem difficult to understand how complicated my feelings about Relative Theory are. As much as I like Josh, Jamie and Dave as people, I have really grown to dislike their record store in the last year. I haven’t been inside the store for well over 6 months now, and I’m not exactly sure why. I think in my heart it has closed already. I’ve been in their newest restaurant endeavor more recently, however and I really love The Boot. I love what Josh and Dave have done with the space it occupies (I’ve been to two other restaurants that have previously occupied that space and so far I like this one best) I think the restaurant biz suits them and I think we should all head down there this weekend for some Old Dominion Oak Barrel Stouts (you down?)

But I need to say this: Relative Theory managed to reach a level of pretentiousness that not even its owners seemed to be aware of. I think it grew to represent, in the form of a living place, what being a vapid hipster is all about. What the store offered was way over the heads of the average person living or working in Downtown Norfolk. To some degree, I applaud that action, because it appeared that the goal was to enlighten people and get them turned onto hip new music, but I think this directive became a liability. I can’t say how many times I walked into the store wanting to buy something, only to leave empty handed and feeling a little bit insulted.

Yeah, insulted.

Relative Theory sometimes felt like an insult to normal people like me. We wanted to love it, we wanted it to be successful, but the store didn’t seem to care about us. I’ve talked with a lot of people who felt like Relative Theory was too cool or too smart for them and, as such, going there just made them feel uncool and stupid. You can’t expect a place to last if it makes their customers feel uncool and stupid. A lot of customers only went to get coffee and maybe went to a show on occasion. Coffee and shows should have been the icing, not the feature. The store was always lacking in a solid inventory of music anyone would want to buy.

But really, my criticism of what Josh and Dave tried to accomplish runs thin when you look at how many old lady boutiques have been on life support in Ghent for well over 20 years and refuse to flatline. These broads don’t work nearly as hard as the Relatives do, and they stay open for no apparent reason at all. I’ve never seen anyone go inside Le Marche on Colley Ave., and when I do, they too come out empty handed. No one wants to pay for that overpriced French bullshit. That store, and many like it (take a stroll down 21st street) exists as a beacon of hemorrhaging green to the rest of Norfolk that says “I own my own business, and you don’t.” It doesn’t have to be successful, just so long as they can wear that badge of honor. (I hate to say it but it seems like a lot of these business owners are the wives of doctors and lawyers and high-ranking naval officers and their husbands let them have these ridiculous stores to keep them busy. Maybe not, what do I know.)

At one point, early in its inception, I naively thought Relative Theory would change everything about this city’s youth culture, and, very early on, it seemed almost like I was right. I think Relative succeeded in doing things no one else in this area had the guts to even try, but unfortunately failed in accomplishing what should have been the most basic goals of a mom & pop business. I hope that, instead of discouraging the next wave of young would-be entrepreneurs of Hampton Roads’ art crowd, that these failures inspire them to improve upon what has been done. In that regard, Relative Theory, Lambda Rising, Form & Function, and even Broad Street Books were all successful, because people like me can only complain and criticize the failure of businesses that didn’t succeed in doing something I’d never have the guts to try.