lowquality.net

I feel like blogging but I don’t know where to begin. Has that ever happened to you?

When I was a kid I would never tell anyone if anything was bothering me. Sometimes I think this has a lot to do with why I am so temperamental and boisterous as an adult. When my mom told me my parents were getting a divorce, I remember not really feeling anything, I just went back to playing with my toys. I was kind of sad, but I didn’t express it. Not at all.

A few days ago I had what felt like the worst day ever. Like I completely hit bottom. I felt like walking out of my office and into oncoming traffic. It turned out that the consolidation loan that I applied for didn’t really do much to make my loan payments more manageable, and that certain repayment options I thought I would have with the consolidation loan turned out to be misinformation I received from a Sallie Mae customer service idiot. At first, I had canceled the loan because I was terrified that I was going to ruin Kim’s life along with my own by having her involved with this mess (she co-signed for me as a necessity). The weekend passed, and on Monday I called backed to inquire about the aforementioned repayment options that turned out to be unavailable, but I also discovered that, basically, the consolidation loan was the best route overall even though it wasn’t really alleviating any stress really. Just to clarify: it was the best choice in the way that stabbing yourself in the face with a sterilized scalpel is better than stepping on a rusty nail. I ended up reinstating the loan just in time for the Fed to cute the rate. My loan went down quite a bit more!

The next day was my birthday and I told you that story already. My post on Whiskerino concerning my tattoo and its meaning seemed to really invite some positivity into my life. I’m often surprised at how much people seem to love me in spite of my difficult nature. Something shines through all of my bullshit– even across the internet– and I can’t believe I got so many well-wishing comments and, ultimately, voted King Beard for the day. The King Beard was kind of meaningless in one respect as I didn’t get it for a photo, I got it for the context that I put the photo in. It was nice to with the KB, but what REALLY got me excited was how everyone started posting their own tattoo photos and telling their stories behind them. That was amazing, and maybe the best experience I have had in Whiskerino 2007 so far.

I never wanted to involve Kim with my student loans to the extent that she is now involved, but I feel like now that I have done so I have lifted the burden to a point at which I can clearly think about it. We were always in this together, but now we are REALLY in this together. Having this level of financial responsibility together is on par with marriage. I never expected that this would be the order that we would do things in. I always hoped we be living together before we’d be paying each other’s bills, but it didn’t work out that way.

Since I have known Kim’s family I have been kind of amazed at how they all try to taken the burden off of each other. In my family if someone had a baby, they probably wouldn’t go to a lot of parties because they’d have to take care of it or afford a baby sitter. In Kim’s family, going to a party is like a way to take a break. Gio gets passed around into every pair of loving arms that will hold him. It’s Rum and Erwin’s only peace sometimes. It seems so ironic to me, but its they way every one of them was raised. My mother did everything herself– even when she wasn’t alone. I was an only child and I’ve always been kind of used to doing things myself, refusing to ask for help. Even when I really needed it. I’ve said it a bunch of times in the last year: “I need help.” I’m not sure if I always accepted it if and when it came to me.

Last week I also received a care package from one of my internet friends, Ryan. In addition to some Japanese oddities, cheap sugary candy and an awesome handwritten letter, Ryan sent me some money. It is a considerable amount coming from a friend I barely ever talk to and, if anything, the gift jolted me into a realization that I need to take some of my internet relationships more seriously. I pout about how all of my friends live in other places, but at the same time I also act like these people aren’t really real and I don’t value them as much as I should. Ryan is a good guy, with his own batch of troubles. My friends Luke and David are also regularly involved in my daily life, but more of an effort needs to be made on my part to make them more than dancing text on my computer screen.