Horror Movies Kim and I Watched in October ’08

Two clas­sics that have inspired hun­dreds of remakes, spoofs, rip-offs and homages. My favorite part about George Romero’s zom­bies is how they act as a metaphor for some social state­ment, whether the topic be the civil rights move­ment (as in “Night”) or the advent of Amer­i­can over-consumption (as in “Dawn”). Of course, if social rel­e­vancy doesn’t inter­est you, you can just dig on the gore, sus­pense, and dark com­edy. The end­ing of “Night of the Liv­ing Dead” catches me off guard every time and makes a pro­found impres­sion on me for sev­eral hours every time I watch it.

Every time I men­tion any of the F13 movies to any­one with any kind of “integrity” they say “Man those movies were really lame.” I can’t believe its even nec­es­sary to say it. The entire fran­chise is as exploitive as exploita­tion film can get. Some of the install­ments bor­dered on soft­core porno with involved snuff film “money shots” awk­wardly placed in between. The goofy par­fait of gra­tu­itous sex and gra­tu­itous vio­lence made the slasher genre into kind of an ana­bolic Eight Ball– and just as much fun. Fri­day The 13th started out as a rip-off of that genre and now its one of the biggest fran­chises to be included in it.

Being Jason’s first legit­i­mate appear­ance, Fri­day The 13th Part 2 seems a far cry from the Jason we’ve come to grow used to after 17 years. I like this movie because Jason is more of a crazy hill­billy with a pil­low­case on his head than the slow and silent stalker we’re accus­tomed to. He’s fast, wily and appears the most human than he would in the entire series. I could go on, but there are experts on the mat­ter.

I think I caught part of Hell­raiser 3 at my par­ents house while I was doing laun­dry and I just couldn’t believe how awful it was com­pared to how I remem­bered it being when I was a teenager. I’d seen Hell­raiser 2 some­what recently and remem­ber it being ok, but kind of goofy towards the end. It occurred to me that I hadn’t seen the orig­i­nal Clive Barker film in a really long time. As stu­pid as the series has become, the mythol­ogy is kind of inter­est­ing, and even if you aren’t totally into it, you are likely to find your­self research­ing fan sites and what not after viewing.

This is another fran­chise that started out using hor­ror ele­ments to make a state­ment that totally dis­solved as the series pro­gressed. The com­men­tary fea­tured in Hell­raiser about moral­ity and moral ambi­gu­ity, kind of makes it into an other-worldly S&M film. Kim and I found our­selves watch­ing this movie totally not remem­ber­ing half of the scene. I totally missed the obvi­ous ref­er­ences to “alter­na­tive lifestyles” that are thinly veiled in this film.

As much of a stan­dard refrain it is to say “the first one was the best” when it comes to movie franchies with oodles of sequels, it really, hon­estly is the case with this one. Hell­raiser is to its fran­chise what Dirty Harry and First Blood were to their respec­tive series: excep­tional films with a lot of bad sequels.

Much the case with Hell­raiser, it occurred to me that I’d never really seen the orig­i­nal Psy­cho as an adult. I think I only half paid atten­tion to it as a child (the begin­ning is kind of slow for a kid to get into) and never thought about it again.

Since Kim and I moved into the new apart­ment we’ve been rent­ing a lot of Hitch­cock films from Naro Expanded Video and have come to appre­ci­ate the man on my own terms. He was really an hon­est to God genius film­maker. Espe­cially when it came to cre­at­ing ten­sion amongst the audi­ence mem­bers (RE: the end­ing sequence of “The Man Who Knew Too Lit­tle”). Psy­cho is kind of like the great grand­pappy of Silence of The Lambs. Sure, it’s 1960 and you just aren’t going to see the same level of vio­lence that you see com­mit­ted by Han­ni­bal Lechter, but you find that same lik­able qual­ity in Nor­man Bates sin­is­ter and charm­ing per­son­al­ity. Charisma is part of his preda­tory arsenal.

Anthony Perkins as Nor­man Bates is a sweet, charm­ing, boy­ish fel­low whom you sim­ply can­not help lik­ing. Even though I know the plot of Psy­cho back­wards and for­ward I couldn’t help myself from hop­ing that Bates is inno­cent or the vic­tim of some strange manip­u­la­tion.. he seems like such a sweet kid.

The shower scene really is every bit as good as your gramd­par­ents have been say­ing it is for the last 40+ years. I don’t think I’d ever really watched the whole thing before, but after it was done I just turned to Kim and said “Wow.” Also, Psy­cho has some one of the best scores ever in the his­tory of film music. I know this all seems so obvi­ous to a lot of peo­ple but I want to encour­age you jaded old farts to go rent this movie and appre­ci­ate it. It’s the Wiz­ard of Oz of psy­cho­log­i­cal thrillers and it deserves your respect.

I haven’t watched a lot of silent films (I do love Fritz Lang’s “M”) but this was just some­thing I thought we should watch this year. I recently read that Nos­fer­atu is in the Pub­lic Domain and that might why the ver­sion I had looked kind of shitty but it is a film worth watch­ing if you have any inter­est in the ori­gins of vam­pire movies.

Essen­tially, Nos­fer­atu was a pla­gia­rized re-working of Bram Stoker’s novel Drac­ula with char­ac­ter name changes and removed por­tions of the story. It is sur­pris­ingly accu­rate to the orig­i­nal story based on what it does include. It is note­wor­thy to men­tion that Fran­cis Ford Cop­pola took far more lib­er­ties with his licensed ver­sion of the story than F. W. Mur­nau did with Nosferatu.

I think some of the scenes of Count Orlock are gen­uinely ter­ri­fy­ing by mod­ern stan­dards, and it still stands up today as an excel­lent hor­ror film.

This flick was 100 times bet­ter than I ever remem­bered it being. What the hell hap­pened to John Car­pen­ter? It seemed like right after Big Trou­ble In Lit­tle China he just drove him­self into a ditch and never made it out. This is such an amaz­ing movie I won’t even say any­more about it. Go rent it now.

A woman who was raised in an orphan­age for dis­abled chil­dren returns with her hus­band and adopted HIV pos­i­tive son to reopen the doors. Her son has ten­dency to talk to his imag­i­nary friends which leads to his com­plete dis­ap­pear­ance and ques­tions of Laura’s involve­ment with the his­tory of the orphan­age or her com­plete men­tal breakdown.

Not only was this film pro­duced by Guillermo Del Toro, the writer and direc­tor of Pan’s Labyrinth, but there are some ele­ments in The Orphan­age that reminded me of Pan’s Labyrinth. The two big­gies are the puz­zle games that Laura plays to find her son, which greatly resem­bles the tasks set by the Faun for Ofe­lio to save her mother’s life. The sec­ond is the end­ing: I won’t spoil it for you, but the end­ing of Pan’s Labyrinth made me want to eat a gun, but the end­ing of The Orphan­age– as sim­i­lar as it is– seems to me so much more uplift­ing. This is a sub­ject of con­tention between Kim and I.

The bot­tom line is that this one of our new favorite movies.

I guess some Amer­i­cans are remak­ing it in Eng­lish. I don’t think this is necessary.

The premise is far from cliche: sep­a­rated Siamese twins going on a New York City killing spree to enact revenge against the doc­tors that sep­a­rated them. The thing is that one of the twins is a per­fectly nor­mal, gullible kid and the other is a ghastly beast that barely resem­bles a human being. His brother keeps him in a pad­locked bas­ket (hence the title) and com­mu­ni­cates with him psychically.

Yes, really.

I rented this on the merit of a ridicu­lous youtube clip i stum­bled across. I like goofy bad hor­ror movies– I even own a few. This movie is so bad I couldn’t even jus­tify stay­ing up to fin­ish it, but rest assured, it’s the best pos­si­ble kind of bad movie…

Bonus: They made two sequels.

  • Grind­stone Road (2008)

This is the worst kind of bad movie. I seri­ously got a headache from the mean­der­ing mean­ing­less plot. At one point I even fell asleep, woke up and I had missed noth­ing. Noth­ing hap­pens in this movie.. Fairuza Balk looks like she got hit in the face with a bag of hot quar­ters. There’s ghosts, there’s crazy old Chris­tians, there’s a young cou­ple caught in between them. There’s so many god damn sur­prise plot twists that it just isn’t sur­pris­ing.. it just one groan after another. This is a hor­ri­ble movie.. but it has a great photo on the box, and thats why we rented it. By the way, this movie is so bad it doesn’t have a Wikipedia arti­cle. Take note.

Inter­est­ing note: there are some plot devices in com­mon with El Orfanato, which is ironic because they are at totally oppo­site ends of the spectrum.

Another in the “I haven’t seen this since I was a kid” cat­e­gory. Kim had never seen this OR The Thing and she loved them both. The best hor­ror is believ­able, and the premise of The Hills Have Eyes is totally believ­able and ter­ri­fy­ing. Shit, when­ever Kim dri­ves through Chesa­peake, VA she makes sure there’s a full tank of gas. You never know what kind of melon-fucking inbreeds are out there wait­ing for you to get a flat tire.

The remake is every bit as good as the orig­i­nal, by the way. If you are famil­iar with one ver­sion but not the other, you won’t be disappointed.

I con­fess that I bought this because it was like 5 dol­lars and the cover was absurd look­ing. Appar­ently its from a series that was on the Encore chan­nel. It amounts to some­thing Tales From The Crypt would have put out if they had a lit­tle bit bet­ter pro­duc­tion val­ues. There’s a clown giv­ing kids ice cream that kills their par­ents when they eat it.. thats all there is to it.

It’s taken us for­ever to get around to see­ing just ONE of the Saw movies. Hon­estly I don’t know why they made five of these. It was alright, the idea is clever. Cary Elwes is prob­a­bly the worst part. He is atro­cious as a dra­matic actor, sim­ply ter­ri­ble. The worst part for us was how the film­mak­ers con­stantly seem to be try­ing to blow your mind with how bril­liant they think they are but we found Saw (and, Saw 2) to be very, very pre­dictable. I think the only thing I didn’t see com­ing was that Jig­saw was the “corpse” lay­ing the mid­dle of the floor.

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