My bass is sitting next to my desk at work. I don’t have a gig tonight or anything but I felt the need this morning to maximize my time away from work and thought I’d try to get an hour of practice in at lunch today.
Trying to follow advice the same advice that I gave Scrivener awhile back I am going to attempt to get my hands on the instrument for at least 30 minutes every day. It’s not always easy but I know that it is something I need to be doing. Now that I am on this medication I am noticing a big blotted-out void of nothingness where my interests used to be. Some days I feel like I don’t know what it is I like to do. In a previous post, GFMorris gave me the advice of “re-aligning my values,” which seems like such a heavy task to undertake that I wasn’t sure I could even begin. Really what I think he means is that now that my actions are no longer motivated by panic and anxiety I have the freedom to do things that personally motivate me. It’s just hard to get started.
For better or worse, the activities that I would normally pursue as an escape from my anxiety no longer “work” (or, more importantly, they just aren’t needed for that specific purpose of quenching my panic) but I am still in the habit of performing them. I feel like this “training” is unraveling along with a lot of other intrusive habits (for instance, I used to wake up two hours too early every morning– even on weekends– worrying about work-related stuff, the first couple of weeks on meds I’d still wake up early and have these thoughts but I wouldn’t feel physically panicked by them, now I am able to sleep very deeply and wake up when I want to). Realizing so many of my impulses are fueled negatively I am forced to consider that once all of these habits are gone, I won’t have much to propel me. I feel like instead of being depressed or anxious, I am just incredibly bored. I feel like a blank slate– which is a great feeling, but it is also overwhelming because I see that I have a lot of work to do to fill it.
The positive side of this is that I am now able to stay focused on anything I want. The negative side is that the anxiety which once coerced me to into things I really didn’t want to do is gone and I don’t feel guilty for slacking off anymore. I wouldn’t say that I am content with doing nothing, but I am just not beating myself up about it. It’s a step in the right direction, but I feel like I need to be proactive about not letting myself become a couch potato. Going to the gym was, at one point, an activity I participated in because of anxiety and guilty (and it physically gave me some relief, too). Now I have to psych myself up and tell myself that I go to the gym because its good for me, which is a struggle some days, but I think that in the long run, I will have a more positive outlook on working out and make a better effort to accomplish more while I am there.
I’ve been really into watching movies though (more than usual). Since using the medication I find myself able to get completely glued to a film. The first weekend I started taking meds we saw Shutter Island and I was totally lost in that movie. I wasn’t thinking about anything else for the entire time we were there and it was fantastic (the film and the accompanying sensation). In the past I’d go to the movies and my mind would wander– its one of the reasons I’m not really a big fan of spending a ton of money on the cinema. I am too easily distracted by the other people, sounds, my own thoughts. It’s a waste of money. Now I feel like I might enjoy going to the movies again, my focus is much more solid. A couple of nights ago, Kim and I were watching Orphan and I was so annoyed by the film that I HAD to pick up my bass and practice while watching it because it was seriously making my blood boil. I had to make a dedicated effort to distract myself. Totally new experience for me.
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