I’ve been searching all day trying to find the way to explain the sensations I’m experiencing while using this anti-anxiety medication. I’ve even been goading Kim into asking me questions about being on meds so that it might spark some kind insight, and I think the reason it has been so hard to explain is because the sensation I’m experience is a kind of silence. In so many words, my brain feels quieter. I don’t remember a time where I felt so completely focused. The problem is that I’m not so completely focused on any one thing in particular. I don’t feel any more motivated to do anything that I would without this medicine (i.e. I’m still lazy), but a lot of that inner “noise” that I am so used to going on in my head is more or less gone. Maybe I’m just enjoying the calm and the motivation will come. It’s refreshing, but also slightly unsettling because the meds don’t change the way I think, just the way I react. I will observe that sometimes the same intrusive thoughts will arise, but since they get no real emotional response from me, they just drift back away. I feel slightly numb, but not in a bad way. It’s as though there is a DMZ for the negative thoughts. They come in but they don’t have free reign.
As far as physical side-effects, only a mild headache. Not sure how long that will keep happening, maybe it will eventually go away. Also, I get a dry mouth a few hours after taking the pill but that goes away. Not aware of any sexual side-effects so far (I know you’re all dying to know that).
I am so hesitant to be the guy who preaches the gospel of Psychiatry– especially so early in this process– but I do feel as though this is something that needed to be done 10 years ago. Maybe not specifically medication, but this process that I have begun in the last few months is something that was so long overdue. I normally do an awful lot of living in the past, and my time spent there is almost always negative. I’m noticing that my reflections since I’ve been using this medication have been more constructive, at least in the light knowing what it feels like to be somewhat more peaceful than I am aware I’ve ever been. I’m not trying to dwell, but its hard to not say, “Wow if I had felt this way during my 2nd semester proficiency exam my entire life might be different.”
It’s only day 2, but in a lot of ways I feel kind of fearless. That scares me, funny as it sounds, because I’ve been ruled by irrational fears for most of my life. I’ve been scared and worried so much of my life that it felt normal. It was accepted because I didn’t know any different. Now that I think I can alleviate that sensation I am kind of excited to see what I could be capable of.
That’s another thing, being on meds has turned my daily life into a big experiment. I am fascinated by my new reactions and / or lack of reactions to outside stimuli. Whether it be traffic or my wife or something I overhear a stranger say or even my job, I now notice that my reactions to any given situation are a complete a surprise to me. I know how I would typically feel and I know that I don’t feel that way. It’s like my whole boring mundane life has boiled down to that scene in Half-Baked with John Stewart smoking weed and staring through a telescope.
